Motherhood

How We Make It Through The Day With Very Few Toddler Meltdowns

Let me preface this post by telling you a little bit about myself and my children so that you have a little bit of context. I was a 4th-grade teacher for six years and also have a master’s degree in education. I have always had a deep interest in human behavior and I was on the behavioral team at the school I worked at where we met to discuss behaviors that were being seen in the classrooms. We created strategies for students that needed extra support and worked with their teachers to implement these ideas. I was able to attend the Midwest Symposium for Leadership in Behavior Disorders and learned about complex trauma in childhood, how to build positive student behavior, and much more.

I have a two-year-old and a 9-month-old and I can confidently admit that I am new to all of this! However, through parenting, my background in education, and my ongoing study into how to help my children be the best they can be I feel I can possibly give some value to others. I am a stay-at-home parent and have quite a bit of control of our schedule, home atmosphere, and my children are used to me as a caregiver and disciplinarian. I recognize that this routine and consistency help, and that not all families will have this. I still believe the following tips can be helpful for anyone!

Another disclaimer: toddler meltdowns are normal and are not the determining factor of a good/bad child or a good/bad parent. They cannot be eradicated altogether because developmentally, young children don’t know how else to express their anger, dislike, sadness, frustration, etc.

Basically, I could make this post 95% shorter by telling you to have plenty of snacks on hand, go outside once a day, and get earplugs for the hard days. But, here are some other, more meaningful tips too.

Prioritize Naps and Implement Rest Times
The name of this tip is a bit self-explanatory so I won’t comment on it much. My daughters both take a 2.5-3 hour nap during the afternoon. Even if I notice that my two-year-old isn’t giving me the normal “sleepy cues”, I still lay her down for a nap because otherwise, she will start to become harder to parent. When we have traveled and they miss a nap or go to sleep at a later time, it’s always evident that night or even into the next day that they were off of their routine.

My two-year-old doesn’t take two naps anymore, but she still needs some time in the late afternoon that has reduced stimulation because I find she begins to get cranky otherwise. This may mean we lay on the couch and read a book with no TV on and no lights on (we have amazing huge windows in our living room that bring in wonderful light!), or we sit on the deck in the sunshine with a snack and talk with the dog. But, this little rest time helps to recharge her for the last couple of hours before bed.

Give Children a “Heads Up”
A lot of things are amplified in a child’s mind. Having to go to bed after playing with their toys is probably the equivalent of an adult at a theme park riding rides and then suddenly being thrown onto their bed in a dark room at Disney World.

In my classroom, I was always giving my students a “heads up”. You have 10 more minutes to be on the computer game. We need to start cleaning up in 5 minutes. Let’s start a countdown for Christmas Break. If we get things cleaned up in 2 minutes, we can go outside early.

I began doing this with my oldest daughter very early, even before she was able to understand or communicate back. I let her know when it’s almost nap time. (“After lunch, we’re going to go lay down for a nap.”). I let her know when we’re 30, 20, 10 minutes away from leaving the house (“We’re going to go bye-bye to the store soon. What shoes do you want to wear?”). I tell her that after dinner, we’re going to get ready for bed (“Let’s go get your pajamas on! We’re going to go to bed soon.”).

Giving this heads up has allowed me to communicate with my toddler that something is about to happen, play is going to end, bath time is almost over, bedtime is drawing near, etc. It’s these little reminders that are helping her to slowly begin preparing herself for a change. She may still not like it but at least she saw it coming!

Have Desirable Replacement Items or Activities Available
This is kind of part two to my number two tip. If you know your child throws a fit when you take something away or remove them from a space they love, replace it with something else they enjoy. Here are some examples:

My daughter LOVES going outside to walk in our yard. Saying hi to the dogs, jumping on the trampoline, throwing rocks into our little pond, swinging. She could do it for hours. So, I’ve made it to where we go outside and then always come inside for a snack. Replacing something she loves with something else she loves. One day I made a little chant to get her ready to come inside (after giving her the “heads up”). Together, we chanted, “Inside! Wash! Snacks!”. Now, she’ll start chanting that after I tell her when we need to go inside when otherwise I’d have to carry her in, kicking and screaming.

Bedtime can be a struggle some nights, but it’s because the fun should never have to end! My daughter absolutely loves books so I got some of these mini flashlights. On hard nights, I will let her choose a book to bring into bed with her and she gets a flashlight to “read” in bed. They don’t put off a lot of light and she has to be pushing the button to keep it on. So, inevitably, she falls asleep in a couple of minutes and the light goes off automatically.

My daughter doesn’t love brushing her teeth, but she loves to mess with the light switch. So, I sit her on the counter and she plays with the light switch while I quickly brush her teeth. The flashlight also came in handy for this, too, when one day we turned out all the lights and used the flashlight to see her teeth. It was a huge hit!

Make a list of things your child loves – activities and tangible items. When one thing needs to be taken away/ended and it would normally cause a tantrum, what else from the list can you exchange it with?

Fill Up Love Tanks and Maintain Connection
Just because you’re their parent doesn’t give you an easy access pass to be the hero in your child’s life.

You still have to work for that title and earn it. In order for them to behave desirably in your eyes, you have to model it and give one of the most valuable, non-renewable resources you have: your TIME.

You’ll either spend time when they’re little to be intentional in teaching the most meaningful life lessons, OR you’ll spend time when they’re older trying to un-do the behaviors you dislike.

Either way, you’re spending the time. Personally, I’d rather use that time to be proactive.

Acknowledge They Are Human, Too
We’re adults and we know how life works. We know we have things to do that we don’t want to do and we have the maturity and understanding to handle that.

Young children just don’t. They want to show independence. They have zero to little patience. They have hard, stressful days even if it seems silly to be “stressed” about a baby doll missing her binky or a beloved bracelet that broke even though you have one that looks the exact same to replace it with. They don’t understand why you’re dropping them off at a strange place and leaving them with strangers. They can’t be reasoned with when it’s their nap time but you want to go out to dinner and have them sit quietly.

Give them grace, and give yourself grace for trying to learn how to parent these special people.

These small adjustments are not meant to cater to our kids. Some might say this is a way to spoil a child, not let them learn the hard way, they need to get used to not having things their way. Ultimately, God is using parents as the potters of the clay he’s handed us. We’re all just doing the best we can, right?

Camper Life: 3 Months In

We have been living in Iowa now for three whole months! To be honest, it has felt like a really long three months with the COVID-19 pandemic, the racial divide in our country and the riots, everything with the election and the media, downsizing our lives, moving states, and being pregnant.

There have been many times I have wanted to be done with living in the camper (and that’s not good considering that we are only three months in and still have at least a year left). As we drove back from our anniversary trip in Wisconsin I had this overwhelming feeling of homesickness. Usually when coming home from a vacation you’re eager to get back. With the exception of seeing my daughter, I didn’t feel like I was going “home”. Maybe that’s normal when you move, but for a week or two I was desperately missing my hometown, friends, and having a house with more space.

I miss a lot of things like a big couch, a kitchen to easily cook things in and more counter space, a bathroom that two people can fit in, a king-sized bed, having the cat litter box in the garage, having a dining room where fitting a high chair isn’t an issue, and I especially miss a room for my baby. Oh, and a Target nearby, good coffee, and a decent sandwich shop.

I’m learning that the tension I’m feeling isn’t always because of the camper and sometimes mothering a (sweet and sassy) toddler would be difficult no matter where I am living. As my due date draws closer I also have some anxiousness about how life will be like with two babies under two years old and living in a tiny space.

Then I remember my WHY and I’m okay again (but I often have to remind myself because I am still human). My home is where my husband and daughter are. We didn’t do this because it would be easy or comfortable. We have a plan and I can visually see on paper when we’ll be able to have a “home” again. My daughters won’t remember living in a small space and how little of toys they had to play with, but they will remember being loved so much and getting so much time with their parents and grandparents. We are so blessed to get this “restart” and to set our family up for success for the future!

This is what you’ll see when you open the camper door. We have a mini sectional, rocker/recliner, and a small dining area.

This is the view of the camper from the bedroom door. It is 31 feet long.

Next to the slideout/dining area is where we keep this cart that holds Emery’s toys. We also have the hanging storage from the bathroom door and that houses diapers, wipes, and other baby things.

This is the closet. We keep cleaning supplies on the top shelf. In the “dresser” is where Emery’s clothes are (and some of mine).

These are the bunk beds. Emery sleeps on the top with a durable baby gate that also blocks out light.

Our bathroom is small but functional! We have only what we need in it and no longer have a drawer of 3-year-old beauty products that I rarely use! There is a vent on the roof that circulates air and the shower doubles as a tub for bathtime (for Emery. Only a kid could fit.)

View of the whole camper from the bathroom/bunk bed area.

This is our queen-sized bed that lifts up and has storage underneath. Our “closets” are above the bed. We also have a TV in the room that can swivel out into the main area as well.

The cat enjoys laying in the bottom bunk next to the window.

This is the kitchen area. To the right of the refrigerator are cabinets that we use for our pantry. We keep pots, pans, and a trash can under the sink area and put our dishes in the cabinet to the left of the sink.

Our Miscarriage, Part One

I have felt a strong desire to share my personal walk through miscarriage. I think I’ve felt this way mostly because I was constantly looking for blogs and websites for someone to relate to, and my hope is that I can be that for someone else.

It was April of 2018 and my husband and I learned that I would be losing our baby. My emotions at the time were ever-changing and I wasn’t sure how to express the magnitude of my grief so my writing about them happened in private. Writing helped me cope and now I am ready to share. Below you will find my journal entry that was written on May 6, 2018.

It was March 13, 2018, when I had a positive pregnancy test. More than one, actually. I was on Spring Break and got my hair done that morning. I had gone to a new hair stylist and of course meeting someone new means that they will inevitably ask you questions regarding if you have children to which I have learned to respond, “No, but hoping to soon!” These kinds of questions would later haunt me.

I hadn’t felt any different and figured I wasn’t pregnant since I didn’t know the first thing about what it would or would not feel like. When Nick and I looked at the test together I was just kind of in shock. Truly, a life dream I thought seemed so unreachable was happening. I had longed for a baby for so long and desired that Nick would want a baby too, and here we were! The next day we went to Target and created a baby registry and I came home and made another one on Amazon. This is something most people would do much later in pregnancy and here I was doing it at 6 weeks. I began researching everything I needed to know about natural birth and we chose to establish care at a birth center near where we live. Within a few days, we set up a time to tour the facility. They checked my progesterone and it was somewhat low, so I got on a cream and then an oral supplement a little later. I was nervous that low progesterone would be the demise of my pregnancy, but everything turned around and was looking good! I was craving a lot of spicy chicken and pickles.

We told my family the week before Easter at my parent’s house after an Easter egg hunt. We shared it with Nick’s family at breakfast in Columbia. Honestly, this entire time of pregnancy was so incredibly joy-filled. We had gathered some things from my sister for the baby, and my mom got us a glider rocking chair for the nursery. We took pictures with a great photographer friend that we’d later use as our announcement to everyone. Each week we’d chat about the developments of Bacon Bit, and I was enthralled with what was happening in my body. It was all so exciting and surreal. I was so proud of this baby and so excited to be on this journey with Nick. April 25th would be the day we would get to hear the heartbeat, and I would be 11.5 weeks along. The birth center did not do ultrasounds until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks, so we were so excited to at least hear the heartbeat!

The appointment started with me getting blood drawn for a thyroid panel, and then Nick and I went into the room to meet with the midwife. We talked a bit and then the exciting part was going to happen — getting out the doppler to hear our baby’s heartbeat. Being new to this process, I was not sure what to expect. I would think I heard a heartbeat but it was apparently just my stomach making noises. Then there was nothing. She couldn’t find a heartbeat after quite some time and I remember laying there feeling like my baby was still fine, and I told myself not to worry. Nick was recording this on his phone and I watched as he slowly and discreetly put his phone away. Regina (the midwife) said we could get an ultrasound to double check on our baby, or we could wait until our next appointment that would be weeks away and we could try to listen again. We chose to get an ultrasound that day despite the $200 price tag.

The room with the ultrasound was a nice room, unlike a hospital. That made it better I suppose. I laid down on the bed and watched the screen intently. I could see my baby! It was as if seeing my baby meant there would still be life. The technician wasn’t able to find a heartbeat during the ultrasound so he did a transvaginal one. It was at this point I was scared and confused. The room was a sickening kind of quiet. I remember the midwife looking at me and saying something like, “Are you seeing what’s happening here? It looks like your baby passed about a week ago.”

I threw a cloth over my face and began to weep. It was a silent cry. As if the pain overtaking my body would not let a sound come out yet. I never want to relive the feeling I had in that moment. When we decided we’d stop preventing pregnancy I had told Nick that we should start to try soon because sometimes you don’t get pregnant the first time, and sometimes there are miscarriages, etc. Therefore, we needed to start soon if we wanted a baby in the next year or so! Never in a million years did I believe that I would actually have a miscarriage. That was really just part of my plea to talk him in to start trying. So many questions went through my mind. Am I too old, not healthy, did I do something wrong? What does this mean for future pregnancies? The room cleared out and Nick hugged me as I cried. The moments in that room are sickening to think about, but the days after were just as bad. I gathered myself and we went to the room nearby to talk to Regina about what to expect next. I’m actually surprised that I was able to keep it together in that room. Up until this point, I honestly didn’t know what a miscarriage entailed, so I learned about what it would be like to pass the baby. I hadn’t felt any different, and I was disappointed that my baby was gone for a week (or more) and I had no idea. What was I doing when the heart stopped? Was it a boy or a girl? What do we tell people? We snuck out the back door and headed home in tears.

We ate roast that rainy night, and I texted everyone who knew I was pregnant to let them know I would lose the baby. I took off work the next two days, and Nick took off as well. It was a sweet time that we had together to mourn, talk, and try to get things back to normal. To rewrite our story that would not involve a baby in November. The baby items we had already gathered were put away, and all of the apps I had downloaded to track baby’s progress were deleted. I unsubscribed from emails of baby news and eventually threw away the positive pregnancy tests. It was heart-wrenching to put things back to the way they were when my life revolved around the excitement of a baby for (what seemed like) so long.

Usually, when there is a death there is a celebration of life, memories to cherish, and a reason to be so upset. Here I was, absolutely broken to my core and I had only had this baby growing for a few weeks. It was and still is, a pain that’s hard to describe. I had felt robbed of joy. I felt robbed of the excitement for pregnancy and instead, pray I don’t feel utter worry and fear with a future pregnancy. Will I want to check the baby’s developments each week, or will I just worry that the heart will stop? Will I be able to be excited or will I try and ignore it in fear of being hurt again? So many terrible thoughts went through my head. I was so disappointed in myself because I didn’t know who I was at times. I was angry. I was so jealous of friends who had babies. I was sad. A lot.

I cried a lot that first weekend and shared it with everyone on Facebook on Sunday. I got so much response of love and support, and private messages of friends who had also gone through miscarriages and giving me hope for our future child. I remember thinking about the love and excitement we will have for a future baby, but I wanted THIS BABY. The one still inside of me. The one I had loved from the day I knew he or she was growing. The one I would pray for each night and have dreams about. The one who I had picked a crib for, imagined rocking to sleep and taking to Christmas gatherings. The one that would be my early birthday present. It was hard to have hope for the future when it had just been shattered. The thought of trying to move on and work through all of the sadness and loss was overwhelming. Getting through the next day seemed hard enough, let alone the next month.

It’s now May 6th. A week and a half since our appointment, and most likely around 3 weeks since our baby’s heart stopped. I am still waiting for he/she to pass, and I am anxious and worried about that pain — both emotionally and physically. I have decided not to get the procedure to have the baby removed, and instead pass naturally. I am trying to control what I can, but then sometimes the tears or pain start without much warning.

I cried at the dentist the other day (an appointment I should have rescheduled) because it was the first time I was by myself and had a moment with my own thoughts. It was torture having my mouth open and teeth cleaned while also crying. I couldn’t breathe. The hygienist probably thought I was a nut case until I told her what happened. She thought she had hurt me. How do you try and explain to someone (especially a stranger) that you just had a miscarriage? But yet, you haven’t miscarried? That the baby is still inside your womb and you’re just waiting for it to pass?

Here are some things I’ve learned in these (almost) two weeks.

I have learned what is appropriate to say and do when someone is grieving, and what is not appropriate. I’ve had some people tell me some really weird things (“Next time you’re pregnant you should probably take off work to not be stressed for your baby.”, “1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages, so you were just that 1.”, “You’ll be even more fertile after you miscarry!”) Our neighbors left us a care package and I was blown away. My sister unexpectedly brought me lunch to school and we just sat and talked. It’s amazing how much a simple gesture, with a little intentionality, can turn your whole day around. It makes me feel like I have others who are in this with me, and that I’m not alone.
I’ve learned my husband is amazing, and so supportive when I’m a wreck. I suppose this has brought us closer together, and I am thankful for that closeness and the transparency I’ve been able to have- that sometimes I am just weak.
I’ve also learned about my weakness, and that it’s okay to not be okay. I’ve given myself time to have a pity party, and time to just mourn, especially when I’m alone.
I’ve also prayed a lot and felt God’s sweet presence. He has gathered every tear, and trust me — there have been a lot. I am thankful that I feel His closeness, and I do have hope for the future. I pray I see my angel baby in heaven one day, and I pray for the life of our future baby/babies.

Below are the verses I’ve held on to during this time:

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4.18

“I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?” Psalm 56.4

“O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. listen to my cry for help, my King & my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you & wait expectantly.” Psalm 5.1–3

“Praise be to the God & Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we receive from God…” 2 Corinthians 1.3–4

“None shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.” Exodus 23.26

“God blesses those who patiently ensure testing and temptation. Afterward, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised those who love him.” James 1.12

My next post occurred on the day I passed our angel baby, a week later. Stay tuned.

My Baby Registry Must Haves

Creating a baby registry was the LONGEST process for me. I was honestly changing it up until Emery’s due date, even after our baby showers were over! I remember (jokingly) telling Nick that we needed to create a business centered around baby products because moms flock to anything cute for their babies and we’d be millionaires. I also watched countless YouTube videos from vlogger moms who contradicted one another on what was a “Must Have” and what they could do without. It was so overwhelming and I think many first time moms would agree. How in the world do you know what to get?

There are also many products that your baby may or may not enjoy. These items can include, but are not limited to pacifiers, bottles if you’re using them, baby swings, swaddles, and more.

I’m a minimalist (or I like to think that I am), so I was sure to put things on our registry that were intended to make my life easier and not just take up space. I created registries on Amazon and on Target. These two places made it perfect for people who wanted to shop online and for people who wanted to get something from a store. I also went ahead and price compared my items so that our gift givers got the best deal.

I was pregnany during the holidays so we always took advantage of some of the Black Friday deals- I highly suggest doing this! We ended up having 60 items on our Amazon registry and 30 items on our Target one. I’m only three weeks into motherhood right now so I am a self-proclaimed rookie, but I am still fresh in my registry making skills so I figured I would share what has been a must-have (and why!) for us so far. All items are linked to Amazon. You’ll also find a complete Amazon list at the bottom of this post if you wish to see EVERYTHING.

We love these baby washcloths! They are incredibly soft for babies’ delicate skin and they are a nice size as well. I also like that they are white, but be sure not to wash them with bleach!
This may not be a must-have for everyone, but I desperately wanted one of these bath kneeler/elbow rests for bath time. We haven’t used this yet because Emery’s baths haven’t taken long (and have been mostly sponge baths in the sink until recently), but I know I’ll be thankful for it when I’m sitting next to her playing in the future!

I love these cute reusable baby wipe pouches. When you’re packing a diaper bag you don’t always have room to put in an entire package of wipes and it’s not as cost-effective to buy smaller packages of wipes. With these, you can take one package of wipes and disperse it between these pouches and place them where needed (we keep one in each of our cars, our diaper bag, and one in our bedroom where baby is sleeping right now).
THIS. All of this. Get it and put it on after every feeding if you plan to breastfeed. It comes in a very small container, but will last you a while! Hint: It also works great as a chapstick!
A baby lounger, like the Snuggle Me Organic (or the DockATot), was something I debated getting my entire pregnancy. So much so that I didn’t purchase it until the week Emery was due. Luckily Amazon gives you a discount on the items not yet purchased from your registry so I was able to get it a bit cheaper. After a few weeks of having her at home, it’s been something we use more than anything else so that’s why it makes my “Must Have” list. This particular lounger will be useful until she’s around 6 months old, it is super easy to clean, and she loves sleeping in it because it “hugs” her. As with all baby products, supervision is best in a sleeping item such as this.

This stroller fan served a purpose before Emery was born and I already love it (we used it at the hospital when I was in labor and then I clipped it onto my hospital bed because the room was so hot). It will come in handy to clip on to the stroller on hot summer outings like the many baseball games we attend!
The boppy pillow (or something similar) is another item I use every time I breastfeed. Which is like ALL DAY. I also have two covers for mine which have already been handy when I needed to wash one.

We love the LILLEbaby carrier so far! My top priorities in a carrier were the comfortability, easy to clean, keep me cool, and are user-friendly. I also preferred one that didn’t need a separate insert for a newborn. This one met all of the criteria I was looking for and my husband can wear it just as easily as I can!

We have enjoyed the Hatch Baby sound machine. I appreciate the ability to control it from my phone, the many options of sounds and light colors, and the fact that it can grow with the child and be used as a time-to-rise device when she’s older.

The Owlet Smart Sock has been amazing. It monitors the baby’s heart rate and oxygen levels during sleep and shows you graphs of these levels as well as times they are asleep hour by hour. If they drop below what is safe, it will sound off an alarm to wake you. It really pays for itself in the piece of mind it gives! It comes with three socks to grow with your baby. We also love looking at the graphs from our night to see how little of sleep we’ve been getting, haha!

We just pulled out the Baby Merlins Magic Sleepsuit this week even though our girl is a bit too small for it. Our girl dislikes being swaddled. I don’t blame her. It looks miserable. But, this became a problem in the third week when she wasn’t sleeping as well and her startle reflex was waking her up constantly. This suit worked like a charm to keep her arms down and it keeps her warm.

This certainly is not a full registry because we know babies need so much! We were so fortunate to have three baby showers so we haven’t needed to buy anything for Emery since she’s been here with us and I don’t see us needing anything for a little while. I created a more extensive list that includes even the smallest things that you can find by clicking HERE! This list also includes the stroller we chose (which I LOVE!)

I hope these items, as well as my full Amazon list, was helpful for you in creating or thinking about your registry (or maybe gave you some gift ideas for someone else!) Questions? Leave a comment and I’d be happy to help!

Emery’s Birth Story

Monday, April 22nd: We had my 40-week appointment with my midwife and I was 1 centimeter dilated and 50% effaced. We decided to sweep membranes to hopefully get something going.

Tuesday, April 23rd: I woke up with some cramps and they continued throughout the day.

Wednesday, April 24th: I was officially four days past my due date. Nick and I had stayed up late the night before watching TV (my last day of work was April 18th so I had been a bit lax on my bedtime… not a good idea since statistically a lot of women go into labor in the evenings!) I remember waking up to a contraction at 1:19 in the morning. The feeling of a contraction was familiar for me because in May of 2018 I had a “mini” six hour labor when my body passed our first baby after he/she passed away at 9 weeks gestation.

This contraction was very manageable and short and I was able to easily lay in bed through it. I didn’t get too excited yet because I was told that once contractions started that I needed to 1) Rest/sleep and 2) Labor at home as long as possible, but within a minute or so I felt my water break. It wasn’t a “gush” but I knew that I was not peeing the bed and it was, in fact, my water breaking! This obviously made me get out of bed and sure enough, it continued to “break” and I knew that this was the real thing. I had prayed that my water would break because, in my naivety, I thought that this meant labor would go quicker and I also wanted a sure sign that labor was starting. At that point, I knew I needed to rest but I also knew I wanted to shower before going to the hospital and I didn’t know how long I had before we’d be heading there. I decided I’d gently wake Nick and let him know but I didn’t want to alarm him. But, I guess when you tell your husband your water broke that they don’t just say “okay” and go back to sleep.

Before too long I was done showering, we ensured our hospital bags were completely packed, and we started timing contractions. By 4AM my contractions were lasting anywhere from 1 minute-1.5 minutes and were between 2-5 minutes apart, varying in intensity. I began shaking, which is normal, and felt like I was ready to go to the hospital fairly soon. At 4:30AM I lost my mucus plug and we got in the car to go to Mercy Hospital shortly after 5AM.

They admitted me into triage and at 6:05AM when the nurse checked, I was 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Since my water had indeed broken, I was able to head to the Low Intervention Birthing Suite around 7:30AM. I was so thankful to have an amazing nurse whom I knew from a life group we were in years prior. She would be leaving at 7PM that evening and I remember laughing thinking, “Oh, I’ll definitely have this baby before then!”

My first experience with frustration came when they tried to put an IV in. It took 3 nurses and 4 sticks to finally get a vein (I have terrible veins!). At this point, my contractions had not changed much (still varying in intensity and were 2-4 minutes apart).

08:40AM: Eat breakfast of oatmeal (disgusting), bacon, and fruit from the hospital cafeteria
09:00AM: 3-4cm dilated
09:26AM: Nick texted our families to notify them we were at the hospital but also asked them not to come and sit in the waiting room because it may still be a while! Boy did we underestimate that!

At 10:20AM we decided to walk down the hallways and see if that would encourage stronger contractions and move things along. Once out in the hallway, I was disappointed to come to the realization that my body was taking too long (in my mind) to adjust to new positions/atmospheres and anytime I would try and change things up, my contractions slowed down. While out in the hallway I only had a few contractions so we headed back to the suite.

11:30AM: I took an unintentional 30 minute nap with intense contractions every 8-10 minutes. This was, again, disappointing because I knew the contractions needed to be closer together for me to make more progress.

12:00PM: My birth photographer, Lindsey, had left earlier since things had slowed down. At this time she returned and brought me a sandwich from Mama Jeans. Little did I know that this would be my last meal for quite a while (I wouldn’t eat for over 24 hours later!) so I am thankful she brought it because I HATE hospital food!

01:00PM: I decided to take a shower in the suite bathroom. I loved the birthing suite because it felt like a hotel room rather than a hospital room. Sadly, this didn’t do a whole lot to help my contractions speed up, and instead, my pulse began to get very high (140+) and this worried my midwife a bit.

02:10PM: I was given IV fluids to try and drive my pulse down and they also used this time to monitor my contractions and the baby. I had found a position on the bed using the “peanut ball” that I noticed gave me consistent contractions that were intense. Although I hated it, I knew I needed to stay in that position to keep the contractions coming. Pain equaled progress and with it being over 12 hours in, I knew I needed to encourage the pain in whatever way I could.

03:50PM: My midwife checked me again and I was 4-5cm dilated, 95% effaced and baby girl was at -1 station (i.e. getting low!) This was encouraging to me because although I was exhausted (running on less than 2 hours of sleep), I was happy to hear “5 centimeters” and that she was in a good position. Thankfully, I never had any back labor!

06:14PM: I was checked again. Normally it’s not encouraged to check dilation often since my water had broken, but I was desperate for updates and I think my caretakers were too. I also hated the feeling of them checking dilation because it was painful for me and usually made me have a strong contraction. I was still 5cm dilated, 95% effaced, and baby girl was at 0 station. Two hours had passed with what felt like consistent and intense contractions and yet I had not dilated. I held on to the fact that my baby was dropping lower, and I suppose that kept me going. The mothering instinct kicks in and a determination overcomes a laboring woman! BUT, I cried. I cried hard and wanted so badly for progress and felt like I was doing something wrong. But, labor takes time. First babies take time. Every body and baby is different. So I held on. Nick would later say that he knew I felt awful and was in pain because I was willing to lay on this dirty looking exercise ball without wanting to clean it off first, haha!

06:40PM Shift change was coming up at 7PM and my amazing nurse prayed over me and Emery before leaving. It was amazing and made me cry. Really anything could have made me cry. I felt like I was failing and I couldn’t have made it through without my incredible husband, nurses, and midwives. At 7:00PM, I met the nurse that would take care of us until 7:00AM. I once again thought that this would be the nurse who would deliver our baby! She’ll definitely be here by 7AM!

09:00PM I tried showering again and it just made me frustrated and more uncomfortable. I was already shaking intermittently throughout the day due to hormones, and the shower made me cold and made it worse. I also had an annoyingly placed IV and couldn’t bend my right arm comfortably so drying off from a shower wasn’t worth the energy I had to expend. I did have some contractions but decided I liked being dry more than I did being in the water so I was not in long.

10:50PM: At this time, I was sure that I had dilated as my contractions were really painful, consistently 1-2 minutes long, and happening fairly close together (2-3 minutes). How did we remember all of this? Weeks before I went into labor I had Nick download a contraction counter app on his phone and we also started a “Labor Timeline” note on our phones so we could remember these details.

Nick was exhausted because he was working hard doing pressure points on my back and toe (he learned those in our birthing class! Shout out to Julie White with JuJu Babies!) since everything started, not to mention just the stress of the day. So, we had my birth photographer who is also a doula come back in. She helped do pressure points on my back while Nick would hold my hand during contractions.

Thursday, April 25th, 12:30AM: I was checked again and I could tell on the nurse’s face it wasn’t good news. I was still only dilated to 5 centimeters. No improvement. If I thought I felt defeated earlier, then this was one hundred times worse. We were coming up on 24 hours of laboring naturally, on two hours of sleep, and I didn’t want to “give up” but I was fading fast. I broke down in tears into Nick’s arms there in the birthing suite, an entire day of daylight spent in that dark room. For the very first time, I considered an epidural.

I have wanted to have natural labor for as long as I can remember. I wanted to prove to myself I could do something hard and oddly enough, considered out of the ordinary for most people. I wanted to be holistic in my approach to birth and what I felt God leading me to, and I had prepared for natural labor in every way I knew how. I had come to terms with the pain because I knew my reward would be worth it. I felt like getting this intervention was “giving up” (this was a personal decision of course. In no way did I minimize anyone else’s birth decisions). My other midwife was on duty at this point and came in the room and I cried in her arms too. I needed my team to let me know I wasn’t a failure and that’s exactly what they did. I wasn’t giving up and I had already proven my strength at that point. I took another 15 minutes to decide what to do. Between contractions Nick and I discussed it. I decided I wanted the epidural. Once I made that switch in my mind, I wanted it right then and there.

By 01:00AM we moved to a regular Labor and Delivery room. It took another hour and at 02:00AM, after fluids, I got an epidural. It felt a little funny and kind of hurt, but thankfully I didn’t have a contraction during it and the pain wasn’t even close to the pain of my contractions. My midwife decided to let my body try to dilate on its own before administering pitocin (which I was thankful for). Unfortunately, by 04:00AM they decided my contractions were not strong enough and I wasn’t progressing much on my own so they began Pitocin.

06:00AM: The nurse checked and I was still dilated to 5 centimeters. WHAT!? I began worrying that I was going to need a c-section. They decided to increase my Pitocin. By 07:00AM, it was shift change again and I had the same nurse I started with the day prior (my friend). If you would have told me I’d be in labor through three shift changes I would never have believed you!

08:45AM: I was finally dilated to 8cm and baby was at +1! Still not where I wanted to be, but so thankful for some progress. During these hours, Nick, my photographer, and I were able to (uncomfortably) sleep. I needed to move from side to side every 30 minutes or so, but the rest was much needed especially in preparation for pushing soon! I began getting a slight fever, but as they monitored my contractions and baby, everything else was looking good. Something that was a huge nuisance during this time was the pregnancy rash on my stomach (known as PUPPS. I developed it around week 35 of pregnancy and it is awful!). It was extremely itchy and made me so uncomfortable, especially with the bands they had attached to my stomach to monitor. It was around 11:00AM that I put on some powder, lip gloss, and got to brush my teeth (while in the bed of course). Oh, how glorious! I also drank lots of water, Gatorade, and had a lemon icee and cranberry juice from the hospital cafeteria. I hadn’t eaten in a while so this was a treat.

By 12:05PM I was finally fully dilated to a 10! Praise God! Things moved very quickly from here and I started pushing at 12:07. I was incredibly excited to meet my daughter but I also had a lot of anxiousness coming upon me with what pushing would be like. This was finally the real deal. My nurse got a standing mirror and I was able to watch the progress and it helped keep me focused and motivated. I was still able to feel most contractions but it was mostly a lot of pressure rather than the pain I felt before the epidural. I remember asking often if I was having a contraction and if it was okay for me to push.

02:27PM: On hour 37 and after over 2 hours of pushing, Emery Britt Bacon was born! They laid her on my chest and I started crying. It was a surreal moment and the most beautiful moment of my life thus far. Words don’t really do it justice. However, it was a moment that was quickly disrupted as I began hemorrhaging and they had difficulty finding where the bleeding was coming from. I ended up losing 800mL of blood and also had some blood clots. My midwife, the nurses, and the doctor that came in did a fabulous job of disguising the seriousness of what was happening and I’m thankful for their quick response. I, of course, was preoccupied just looking at my baby the entire time and was so thankful she was healthy. Nick, however, said that the whole situation was a bit scary. My midwife would eventually tell me that this happened due to a very long labor and my water being broke for a long time, a big baby (8 pounds, 15 ounces!), and a lot of Pitocin. We spent the next hour just being together, having skin to skin, and then eventually breastfeeding at 03:36PM.

05:30PM: We got moved to the postpartum room that we would stay in until Saturday the 27th. We were blessed to be visited by many family and friends and we had great nurses who took care of Emery and I. I felt very weak during this time and this was obviously due to such long labor plus losing so much blood.

Nick’s family offered to bring us dinner and he asked what I wanted. Jokingly, I said steak. Within an hour, I was eating filet mignon out of a plastic container and with a plastic fork from Texas Roadhouse. What a reward after a long day!