Motherhood

How We Make It Through The Day With Very Few Toddler Meltdowns

Let me preface this post by telling you a little bit about myself and my children so that you have a little bit of context. I was a 4th-grade teacher for six years and also have a master’s degree in education. I have always had a deep interest in human behavior and I was on the behavioral team at the school I worked at where we met to discuss behaviors that were being seen in the classrooms. We created strategies for students that needed extra support and worked with their teachers to implement these ideas. I was able to attend the Midwest Symposium for Leadership in Behavior Disorders and learned about complex trauma in childhood, how to build positive student behavior, and much more.

I have a two-year-old and a 9-month-old and I can confidently admit that I am new to all of this! However, through parenting, my background in education, and my ongoing study into how to help my children be the best they can be I feel I can possibly give some value to others. I am a stay-at-home parent and have quite a bit of control of our schedule, home atmosphere, and my children are used to me as a caregiver and disciplinarian. I recognize that this routine and consistency help, and that not all families will have this. I still believe the following tips can be helpful for anyone!

Another disclaimer: toddler meltdowns are normal and are not the determining factor of a good/bad child or a good/bad parent. They cannot be eradicated altogether because developmentally, young children don’t know how else to express their anger, dislike, sadness, frustration, etc.

Basically, I could make this post 95% shorter by telling you to have plenty of snacks on hand, go outside once a day, and get earplugs for the hard days. But, here are some other, more meaningful tips too.

Prioritize Naps and Implement Rest Times
The name of this tip is a bit self-explanatory so I won’t comment on it much. My daughters both take a 2.5-3 hour nap during the afternoon. Even if I notice that my two-year-old isn’t giving me the normal “sleepy cues”, I still lay her down for a nap because otherwise, she will start to become harder to parent. When we have traveled and they miss a nap or go to sleep at a later time, it’s always evident that night or even into the next day that they were off of their routine.

My two-year-old doesn’t take two naps anymore, but she still needs some time in the late afternoon that has reduced stimulation because I find she begins to get cranky otherwise. This may mean we lay on the couch and read a book with no TV on and no lights on (we have amazing huge windows in our living room that bring in wonderful light!), or we sit on the deck in the sunshine with a snack and talk with the dog. But, this little rest time helps to recharge her for the last couple of hours before bed.

Give Children a “Heads Up”
A lot of things are amplified in a child’s mind. Having to go to bed after playing with their toys is probably the equivalent of an adult at a theme park riding rides and then suddenly being thrown onto their bed in a dark room at Disney World.

In my classroom, I was always giving my students a “heads up”. You have 10 more minutes to be on the computer game. We need to start cleaning up in 5 minutes. Let’s start a countdown for Christmas Break. If we get things cleaned up in 2 minutes, we can go outside early.

I began doing this with my oldest daughter very early, even before she was able to understand or communicate back. I let her know when it’s almost nap time. (“After lunch, we’re going to go lay down for a nap.”). I let her know when we’re 30, 20, 10 minutes away from leaving the house (“We’re going to go bye-bye to the store soon. What shoes do you want to wear?”). I tell her that after dinner, we’re going to get ready for bed (“Let’s go get your pajamas on! We’re going to go to bed soon.”).

Giving this heads up has allowed me to communicate with my toddler that something is about to happen, play is going to end, bath time is almost over, bedtime is drawing near, etc. It’s these little reminders that are helping her to slowly begin preparing herself for a change. She may still not like it but at least she saw it coming!

Have Desirable Replacement Items or Activities Available
This is kind of part two to my number two tip. If you know your child throws a fit when you take something away or remove them from a space they love, replace it with something else they enjoy. Here are some examples:

My daughter LOVES going outside to walk in our yard. Saying hi to the dogs, jumping on the trampoline, throwing rocks into our little pond, swinging. She could do it for hours. So, I’ve made it to where we go outside and then always come inside for a snack. Replacing something she loves with something else she loves. One day I made a little chant to get her ready to come inside (after giving her the “heads up”). Together, we chanted, “Inside! Wash! Snacks!”. Now, she’ll start chanting that after I tell her when we need to go inside when otherwise I’d have to carry her in, kicking and screaming.

Bedtime can be a struggle some nights, but it’s because the fun should never have to end! My daughter absolutely loves books so I got some of these mini flashlights. On hard nights, I will let her choose a book to bring into bed with her and she gets a flashlight to “read” in bed. They don’t put off a lot of light and she has to be pushing the button to keep it on. So, inevitably, she falls asleep in a couple of minutes and the light goes off automatically.

My daughter doesn’t love brushing her teeth, but she loves to mess with the light switch. So, I sit her on the counter and she plays with the light switch while I quickly brush her teeth. The flashlight also came in handy for this, too, when one day we turned out all the lights and used the flashlight to see her teeth. It was a huge hit!

Make a list of things your child loves – activities and tangible items. When one thing needs to be taken away/ended and it would normally cause a tantrum, what else from the list can you exchange it with?

Fill Up Love Tanks and Maintain Connection
Just because you’re their parent doesn’t give you an easy access pass to be the hero in your child’s life.

You still have to work for that title and earn it. In order for them to behave desirably in your eyes, you have to model it and give one of the most valuable, non-renewable resources you have: your TIME.

You’ll either spend time when they’re little to be intentional in teaching the most meaningful life lessons, OR you’ll spend time when they’re older trying to un-do the behaviors you dislike.

Either way, you’re spending the time. Personally, I’d rather use that time to be proactive.

Acknowledge They Are Human, Too
We’re adults and we know how life works. We know we have things to do that we don’t want to do and we have the maturity and understanding to handle that.

Young children just don’t. They want to show independence. They have zero to little patience. They have hard, stressful days even if it seems silly to be “stressed” about a baby doll missing her binky or a beloved bracelet that broke even though you have one that looks the exact same to replace it with. They don’t understand why you’re dropping them off at a strange place and leaving them with strangers. They can’t be reasoned with when it’s their nap time but you want to go out to dinner and have them sit quietly.

Give them grace, and give yourself grace for trying to learn how to parent these special people.

These small adjustments are not meant to cater to our kids. Some might say this is a way to spoil a child, not let them learn the hard way, they need to get used to not having things their way. Ultimately, God is using parents as the potters of the clay he’s handed us. We’re all just doing the best we can, right?

Nora’s Birth Story

If you’re familiar with the labor of my first daughter, you’ll probably find that this birth story is much shorter and, possibly, more “boring” than that one. That is something that I am SO okay with!

Tuesday, September 8th: Appointment with my midwife, 39 weeks: 1.5 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced

Monday, September 14th: I woke up to contractions starting around 5:30 in the morning. They were manageable, but I got out my phone and began tracking them on an app anyway. They were consistently 5 minutes apart so I was pretty sure this was going to be THE day! I decided to get up around 7:00 and shower.

At 10:00 AM I had an appointment with my midwife that had already been scheduled since I was now 40 weeks. At the appointment, I was dilated to a 5 and 50-75% effaced! This was super exciting for me since my first labor was incredibly long (I labored at home for 5 hours after my water broke, went to the hospital and was just dilated to 1, and then labored for another 30 hours).

My midwife suggested that we get some lunch and walk around until my contractions were more unbearable. This was a time that I had been dreading my whole pregnancy. Usually laboring naturally isn’t very glamorous, and it’s really beneficial to be in a comfortable space. We were living with my parents at the time so I really felt like I didn’t have a good place to labor. Before heading to their house, we stopped by Walmart to get hospital snacks and I wanted Nick to get a towel just in case my water broke before we got to the house. I did NOT want to be without a towel and have to clean our van later. We also grabbed lunch at Jersey Mike’s Subs, a smoothie for me at Einstein Brothers, and then we went to a park to eat and walk. We walked a lap around the park and I was tired of people looking at us funny and having to stifle my groans when a contraction came along so we left around 12:30 PM to head to my parent’s house that was across town.

We weren’t at their house long because again, it just wasn’t a comfortable place to labor for me. I called to let my midwife know that we were headed to the hospital. I checked into triage around 2:00 and at this point, I was 6 centimeters dilated! I was moved to the delivery room fairly quickly. The picture below shows my pain and frustration with how many times it took for an IV to be put into my arm, while also being incredibly uncomfortable having to lay in the hospital bed while having contractions between the needle sticks. This is something I really hate about a medicated birth.

After having my first daughter in April 2019 (16 months earlier) I hemorrhaged. I was told that this was likely to happen again so I had been contemplating whether or not to get an epidural or to go without. As much as I wanted to have a natural birth, and as doable as it seemed since I was already dilated to a 6 just a few hours in, I just really couldn’t imagine the excruciating pain I would be in if I hemorrhaged again. I remember the doctor and nurses rushing in and how much my body was being jerked around by multiple people who were trying to stop the bleeding. I really worried that if I had a natural birth with Nora that it would be incredibly traumatizing to experience that without any pain medication. I chose to get an epidural and it was administered at 2:41 PM. By 4:11 I was 8cm dilated and 90% effaced. At this time my water was still intact so my midwife broke that to move things along. I was also so glad that I still hadn’t needed any Pitocin while having the epidural and that my body was doing what it was supposed to do to help move things along quickly unlike my first labor.

During this time I tried to rest and Nick and I watched Impractical Jokers on the small hospital room TV. I moved as needed to help get Nora into the best position, drank a lot of juice to keep my blood sugars high enough, and texted friends and family.

At 5:30 I was 9cm and by 8:30 pm they started a very low dose Pitocin so that my contractions were more consistent and I could start pushing soon. I pushed for two hours with Emery so I was determined to beat that time! At 9:00 everything was ready to go and I began pushing. Right before she came out it was discovered that the cord was wrapped around her neck. Thankfully, little Nora was born shortly after at 9:21 pm!

Unfortunately, after she was out I did hemorrhage again. Even though I had an idea that it may happen it didn’t make it any easier, and this time around was worse than the first time. I lost more blood and I had terrible postpartum shaking. The combination of how bad I was shaking and how vigorously the doctor was “massaging” my stomach caused me to become extremely nauseous and I started throwing up. It felt like this went on forever and it was the most miserable I have ever felt in my life. Nick was standing next to me holding Nora while trying to also hold my puke bucket and console me.

I remember glancing around the room and seeing a pile of blood-soaked cloths on the floor. Sometime in the midst of all of this, Nick cut the umbilical cord (delayed cord clamping!), and Nora had some fluid that she aspirated that needed to be sucked out. She weighed in at 8 pounds, 14.5 ounces and they rounded that to 15 ounces which was kind of cool because Emery also weighed 8 pounds, 15 ounces!

Everyone in the room did a great job to take care of me and Nora. After all of the commotion, we were able to breastfeed for the first time at 10:15 and it went SO well! I was incredibly happy to finally have that time with my baby after basically losing the first hour after birth to trying to stop my bleeding. We were able to head to the postpartum room at 12:30 AM. Nick grabbed us some dry sandwiches from the hospital hospitality room and then we were finally able to go to sleep after a long day!

Big Changes: Surprise Baby!

I’ve always wanted our kids to be close in age and when Emery was born I was thinking that I’d love to have another baby after she turned two years old. It seemed like a good time frame to really enjoy her and prepare for another newborn. However, during those first few weeks with a newborn, I remember asking Nick, “How do people do this more than once?”

On February 9th we were having lunch with some friends after church and they asked us when we planned on having another one. I said my usual spiel and then Nick blurts out, “I think she’s already pregnant!” His reasoning was because I was mildly moody and tired a lot lately, but since I plan out so much of my life (and this wasn’t in my plan) I knew there was no way I could be pregnant. This was all despite the fact that with my first two pregnancies we got pregnant VERY easily (Nick is quite proud of this).

We talked about the RV for the first time that night and we were ready to really explore this idea seriously. The next day I took a test just to be sure. To my utter shock, it was positive. Every pregnancy test I’ve taken I’ve desperately wanted it to be positive. So, it was a very different experience this time. Going from thankful, to shocked, indifferent, and to crying because I really wasn’t ready to be pregnant again or go through labor again so soon, haha!

Image may contain: 3 people, including Nick Bacon and Taylor Bacon

I was terrified to tell Nick because it was my idea to do the Natural Family Planning method. So, I worried that he would be disappointed in me for unintentionally derailing our plans. I cried because I felt I should be overjoyed. There are so many women who are pleading to God each month for a positive test. I cried because my baby girl who was 9 months was going to be a “big” sister and how do I give her what she needs from me while being super pregnant and then while having a newborn? I cried because we had just talked about living in an RV and how in the world do we do that with a 17-month-old and a newborn? We’ll be going from a king-size bed to a queen (I know. First world problems. But my pregnancy pillow took up half our bed now. How do we downsize that?) My babies won’t have a normal crib or nursery to sleep in or mounds of toys to play with.

I also did NOT want to have a baby in Iowa. I was worried about going through the postpartum time in a small camper, without my support systems close by. Let’s just say the bathroom is small and those extra huge panties you wear postpartum will barely fit. I worried about having a newborn crying in the night with my toddler in such close proximity. How will we all sleep?

These questions still aren’t answered, but I’m asking them “out loud” so that you get a small picture of what we’re trying to figure out. I’ve also had so many mothers tell me that their children who are close in age is the best thing ever. Ultimately, I’m so thankful for this pregnancy and this sweet little baby (Nick said to Emery, “Someone else is in your room!”).

I’m Not Sorry For Being a New Mom

I’ve heard it many times – “Oh, this is your first one. You won’t be like that with the next one.”

There are blog posts titled What Not to Worry About as a First Time Mom, and there are well-meaning people on social media reminding you that the things you’re worried about now aren’t worth your time when you have more than one kid.

Eye rolls and body language insinuate that you’re overreacting or being silly when you express concern, an opinion, or a family value in this season of your parenting (wait, I think that happens to moms of multiple kids too, ha!). I often find myself prefacing my statements or questions with, “I’m sorry, but I’m a first-time mom and I’m wondering ____.”

Honestly, women, in general, have a really bad habit of apologizing for things that aren’t warranted an apology but that’s a whole other topic for another day.

I know it’s funny that I, a first-time mother, would be writing such a blog post. Maybe one day when I’m knee-deep in multiple kids eating off of the crusty floor I will look back and think it was pointless to write on this topic. However, I’m not there yet and I want to encourage other first time mothers that you don’t have to be either.

I am the one who carried my baby in my womb for nine months. I am the one who was constantly checking the apps on my phone (three to be exact) to see what my baby was growing that week, what kind of food her body size was equivalent to, and worrying if my caffeine intake was going to be too much for that day. I was the one who did the research on when and what to feed her and what to do if she gets sick. I was the one who labored for thirty-six long hours and heard her first cry. I am the one who has nourished her tiny body for over five months with my own body and will continue to do so. I am the one who knows her the very best and who loves her the very most.

There are times when I do have questions and I truly value wisdom from more experienced mothers. Just like I would ask a couple who has been successfully married for many years for advice on marriage. I love the community of mothers that I get to be a part of on social media pages, at church, and with my friends. But, I will no longer apologize for being a first-time mom, and I don’t think anyone should joke about the choices of a new mother just because they are “new”. Maybe this all comes down to the dreaded “mom shaming” that we hear about so often, but I feel this can be especially hard for mothers of one baby.

Obviously, if a mother is struggling I think it’s completely warranted to let her know everything will be okay. I guess I am just wanting to convey that it gets kind of old hearing, “Just wait until your second. You won’t care.” As if having a second child will make me more lenient on certain things like wanting to clean a toy, not feeding my baby before six months, being cautious with germs, or simply wanting to contact the nurse on call when my baby is sick (thank goodness I haven’t had to do this yet!) So many times I’ve just wanted to say, “Just let me be a new mom. Let me learn the way that I need to. I want to be cautious with this. Not because I’m new to mothering, but because I’m her mother.”

I also don’t want to encourage something such as worrying. That’s not biblical, healthy, or needed. But I do want to encourage you to encourage new mothers differently. Don’t just assume that they are over-reacting or allowing undue stress because it is their first baby. Mothers, don’t stifle your intuition or your nurturing nature because a book tells you otherwise or because some mother with 4 kids told you, “It’s no big deal.” We’re all doing the very best we can, so laughing at a new mom because she’s a new mom is degrading and hurtful. Instead, ask her if she needs your help. Ask her if she would like your thoughts. Ask her how she is doing. But, don’t make her feel less than because she is less experienced than you.

Photo Cred | Brooke Nicole Photography

Our Miscarriage, Part Two

Before reading this post, make sure you have first read Part One! This writing is an excerpt from my online journal that I wrote in May of 2018 during my time of miscarrying our first baby. The below was written on May 25, 2018.

It’s quite odd how I grapple with wanting this “experience” (for the lack of a better term) to pass quickly some days and yet other days my heart still lingers in the past as if it would bring me closer to my baby. Sometimes it feels as though I am abandoning him/her when I try to “move on” by praying the sadness away or having hope for the future.

In April I was told that my body would naturally pass the baby within 30 days. It was Friday, May 11th and our baby had been gone for approximately a month with no sign of it naturally passing yet. I talked with the midwife, Carla, to get the details on getting a medication to basically be induced. I called her while at work to ask if I could get the prescription for it. Honestly, as much as I missed our baby I was also ready to move forward. Waking up every day wondering if this would be the day he/she would pass was agonizing. I was scared I would start bleeding at school in the last week with my students and I didn’t want that to happen.

It was also on this day, Friday, that Nick and I visited my friend Brittany in the hospital. She is battling Stage IV cancer. I told her that losing a baby seemed trivial compared to the pain she’s been enduring with cancer. She assured me it wasn’t. She was one of the very first people I told I was pregnant. As I sat on her bed she held my hands and cried with me for the loss of our baby. Reflecting on this moment helps me realize that we don’t have to tell ourselves that someone else has it worse to try and minimize our pain. We can feel sadness and our mourning is warranted even if it’s not as bad as it could be.

I picked up the medication after my niece and nephew’s birthday party on Saturday the 12th. It’s a lonely feeling when you have something so awful happening in your life and everyone around you thinks that you’re okay. When I stopped at Walgreens the worker in the drive-through asked me if I was pregnant. I’m sure that was just protocol because the medication I was prescribed was one that could terminate a pregnancy. I remember answering “no” in tears.

I got mentally prepared, had some snacks nearby, put on a good show, and I took the medication at 2:45PM. I laid down on the couch, waiting for the contraction-like cramping to start. I slept for a little bit. My discomfort woke me up an hour later, about 10 minutes before Nick got off work. He got the heating pad turned on for me and we watched Parks and Rec and waited. I began to get really uncomfortable pains but I had already had all the Tylenol and Advil I could take until 9PM.

Nick left to go to the store to get chocolate milk, fruit, and Powerade.

I started to get really uncomfortable around 8:30PM and moved into the bedroom. I began having painful contractions around 8:45 and took more Advil. It was similar to labor, I’d imagine, but with no prize at the end. Tears of sadness and physical pain. My contractions got incredibly painful and closer and closer together. Nick was amazing. He text my family about trying to get more pain meds and my sister was on her way with some Oxycodone from a previous surgery of hers. Right before Jill arrived, around 10:15PM, I felt the “gush” that I was told would happen. The baby was passing, and my physical pain left. I placed my baby in a Tupperware container that I had sitting in the bathroom. I could not make out any features, but it was my baby.

Nick and I were hungry so shortly after Jill left we went to Taco Bell. I remember being worried that I would bleed on the car seat so I brought a towel to sit on. We ate dinner in bed and before going to sleep, Nick left the room and went into his office. I didn’t think much of it, but when he returned he had something in his hand. It was a Mother’s Day gift for me. It was officially Mother’s Day, after midnight on Sunday, and I had just lost my baby. He gifted me the sweetest book, about a grieving mother’s heart, and a necklace that had our baby’s birthstone, a heart with baby feet, and an angel wing. We laid and cried together. It was good for me in that moment to see my husband mourn like I had been mourning every night for nearly a month. There were many times I felt alone in my pain, and I was comforted in this moment knowing he had wanted this baby too. He said it had been hard for him to be strong, and we were both so worn out and worn down from weeks of trying to “be strong”. He also expressed that he finally was crying about not having a baby and letting go of his future (for a little while longer at least) of being a dad.

I remember Sunday being a good day. Just relaxing with Nick since he took off work to spend time together. I remember the next few days at work, however, being really hard. I cried, was easily annoyed, tired, and mad. With it being the last week of school everyone had feelings of excitement and stress, and here I was also having memories of laboring on my weekend and giving birth to my deceased baby. It was a terrible feeling of loss. Not to mention I was bleeding a lot for nearly two weeks and had that as a constant reminder of what my body was still going through- removing the last remnants of my pregnancy.

For weeks I was focused on the fear of passing my baby. Now I face the fear of having another pregnancy. Was this a “fluke” or will I have trouble carrying another baby?

And still… He is good.

Helpful worship songs I’m listening to during this time:

Take Courage – Kristene DiMarco

I Am No Victim – Kristene DiMarco

Seasons – Hillsong Worship

Our Miscarriage, Part One

I have felt a strong desire to share my personal walk through miscarriage. I think I’ve felt this way mostly because I was constantly looking for blogs and websites for someone to relate to, and my hope is that I can be that for someone else.

It was April of 2018 and my husband and I learned that I would be losing our baby. My emotions at the time were ever-changing and I wasn’t sure how to express the magnitude of my grief so my writing about them happened in private. Writing helped me cope and now I am ready to share. Below you will find my journal entry that was written on May 6, 2018.

It was March 13, 2018, when I had a positive pregnancy test. More than one, actually. I was on Spring Break and got my hair done that morning. I had gone to a new hair stylist and of course meeting someone new means that they will inevitably ask you questions regarding if you have children to which I have learned to respond, “No, but hoping to soon!” These kinds of questions would later haunt me.

I hadn’t felt any different and figured I wasn’t pregnant since I didn’t know the first thing about what it would or would not feel like. When Nick and I looked at the test together I was just kind of in shock. Truly, a life dream I thought seemed so unreachable was happening. I had longed for a baby for so long and desired that Nick would want a baby too, and here we were! The next day we went to Target and created a baby registry and I came home and made another one on Amazon. This is something most people would do much later in pregnancy and here I was doing it at 6 weeks. I began researching everything I needed to know about natural birth and we chose to establish care at a birth center near where we live. Within a few days, we set up a time to tour the facility. They checked my progesterone and it was somewhat low, so I got on a cream and then an oral supplement a little later. I was nervous that low progesterone would be the demise of my pregnancy, but everything turned around and was looking good! I was craving a lot of spicy chicken and pickles.

We told my family the week before Easter at my parent’s house after an Easter egg hunt. We shared it with Nick’s family at breakfast in Columbia. Honestly, this entire time of pregnancy was so incredibly joy-filled. We had gathered some things from my sister for the baby, and my mom got us a glider rocking chair for the nursery. We took pictures with a great photographer friend that we’d later use as our announcement to everyone. Each week we’d chat about the developments of Bacon Bit, and I was enthralled with what was happening in my body. It was all so exciting and surreal. I was so proud of this baby and so excited to be on this journey with Nick. April 25th would be the day we would get to hear the heartbeat, and I would be 11.5 weeks along. The birth center did not do ultrasounds until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks, so we were so excited to at least hear the heartbeat!

The appointment started with me getting blood drawn for a thyroid panel, and then Nick and I went into the room to meet with the midwife. We talked a bit and then the exciting part was going to happen — getting out the doppler to hear our baby’s heartbeat. Being new to this process, I was not sure what to expect. I would think I heard a heartbeat but it was apparently just my stomach making noises. Then there was nothing. She couldn’t find a heartbeat after quite some time and I remember laying there feeling like my baby was still fine, and I told myself not to worry. Nick was recording this on his phone and I watched as he slowly and discreetly put his phone away. Regina (the midwife) said we could get an ultrasound to double check on our baby, or we could wait until our next appointment that would be weeks away and we could try to listen again. We chose to get an ultrasound that day despite the $200 price tag.

The room with the ultrasound was a nice room, unlike a hospital. That made it better I suppose. I laid down on the bed and watched the screen intently. I could see my baby! It was as if seeing my baby meant there would still be life. The technician wasn’t able to find a heartbeat during the ultrasound so he did a transvaginal one. It was at this point I was scared and confused. The room was a sickening kind of quiet. I remember the midwife looking at me and saying something like, “Are you seeing what’s happening here? It looks like your baby passed about a week ago.”

I threw a cloth over my face and began to weep. It was a silent cry. As if the pain overtaking my body would not let a sound come out yet. I never want to relive the feeling I had in that moment. When we decided we’d stop preventing pregnancy I had told Nick that we should start to try soon because sometimes you don’t get pregnant the first time, and sometimes there are miscarriages, etc. Therefore, we needed to start soon if we wanted a baby in the next year or so! Never in a million years did I believe that I would actually have a miscarriage. That was really just part of my plea to talk him in to start trying. So many questions went through my mind. Am I too old, not healthy, did I do something wrong? What does this mean for future pregnancies? The room cleared out and Nick hugged me as I cried. The moments in that room are sickening to think about, but the days after were just as bad. I gathered myself and we went to the room nearby to talk to Regina about what to expect next. I’m actually surprised that I was able to keep it together in that room. Up until this point, I honestly didn’t know what a miscarriage entailed, so I learned about what it would be like to pass the baby. I hadn’t felt any different, and I was disappointed that my baby was gone for a week (or more) and I had no idea. What was I doing when the heart stopped? Was it a boy or a girl? What do we tell people? We snuck out the back door and headed home in tears.

We ate roast that rainy night, and I texted everyone who knew I was pregnant to let them know I would lose the baby. I took off work the next two days, and Nick took off as well. It was a sweet time that we had together to mourn, talk, and try to get things back to normal. To rewrite our story that would not involve a baby in November. The baby items we had already gathered were put away, and all of the apps I had downloaded to track baby’s progress were deleted. I unsubscribed from emails of baby news and eventually threw away the positive pregnancy tests. It was heart-wrenching to put things back to the way they were when my life revolved around the excitement of a baby for (what seemed like) so long.

Usually, when there is a death there is a celebration of life, memories to cherish, and a reason to be so upset. Here I was, absolutely broken to my core and I had only had this baby growing for a few weeks. It was and still is, a pain that’s hard to describe. I had felt robbed of joy. I felt robbed of the excitement for pregnancy and instead, pray I don’t feel utter worry and fear with a future pregnancy. Will I want to check the baby’s developments each week, or will I just worry that the heart will stop? Will I be able to be excited or will I try and ignore it in fear of being hurt again? So many terrible thoughts went through my head. I was so disappointed in myself because I didn’t know who I was at times. I was angry. I was so jealous of friends who had babies. I was sad. A lot.

I cried a lot that first weekend and shared it with everyone on Facebook on Sunday. I got so much response of love and support, and private messages of friends who had also gone through miscarriages and giving me hope for our future child. I remember thinking about the love and excitement we will have for a future baby, but I wanted THIS BABY. The one still inside of me. The one I had loved from the day I knew he or she was growing. The one I would pray for each night and have dreams about. The one who I had picked a crib for, imagined rocking to sleep and taking to Christmas gatherings. The one that would be my early birthday present. It was hard to have hope for the future when it had just been shattered. The thought of trying to move on and work through all of the sadness and loss was overwhelming. Getting through the next day seemed hard enough, let alone the next month.

It’s now May 6th. A week and a half since our appointment, and most likely around 3 weeks since our baby’s heart stopped. I am still waiting for he/she to pass, and I am anxious and worried about that pain — both emotionally and physically. I have decided not to get the procedure to have the baby removed, and instead pass naturally. I am trying to control what I can, but then sometimes the tears or pain start without much warning.

I cried at the dentist the other day (an appointment I should have rescheduled) because it was the first time I was by myself and had a moment with my own thoughts. It was torture having my mouth open and teeth cleaned while also crying. I couldn’t breathe. The hygienist probably thought I was a nut case until I told her what happened. She thought she had hurt me. How do you try and explain to someone (especially a stranger) that you just had a miscarriage? But yet, you haven’t miscarried? That the baby is still inside your womb and you’re just waiting for it to pass?

Here are some things I’ve learned in these (almost) two weeks.

I have learned what is appropriate to say and do when someone is grieving, and what is not appropriate. I’ve had some people tell me some really weird things (“Next time you’re pregnant you should probably take off work to not be stressed for your baby.”, “1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages, so you were just that 1.”, “You’ll be even more fertile after you miscarry!”) Our neighbors left us a care package and I was blown away. My sister unexpectedly brought me lunch to school and we just sat and talked. It’s amazing how much a simple gesture, with a little intentionality, can turn your whole day around. It makes me feel like I have others who are in this with me, and that I’m not alone.
I’ve learned my husband is amazing, and so supportive when I’m a wreck. I suppose this has brought us closer together, and I am thankful for that closeness and the transparency I’ve been able to have- that sometimes I am just weak.
I’ve also learned about my weakness, and that it’s okay to not be okay. I’ve given myself time to have a pity party, and time to just mourn, especially when I’m alone.
I’ve also prayed a lot and felt God’s sweet presence. He has gathered every tear, and trust me — there have been a lot. I am thankful that I feel His closeness, and I do have hope for the future. I pray I see my angel baby in heaven one day, and I pray for the life of our future baby/babies.

Below are the verses I’ve held on to during this time:

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4.18

“I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?” Psalm 56.4

“O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. listen to my cry for help, my King & my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you & wait expectantly.” Psalm 5.1–3

“Praise be to the God & Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we receive from God…” 2 Corinthians 1.3–4

“None shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.” Exodus 23.26

“God blesses those who patiently ensure testing and temptation. Afterward, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised those who love him.” James 1.12

My next post occurred on the day I passed our angel baby, a week later. Stay tuned.

What I Packed In My Hospital Bag

Packing a hospital bag before having a baby means that things are getting REAL! I packed my bag weeks before my due date in hopes that I would go into labor early but I ended up being 5 days late. Regardless of how soon I packed it, though, I was still a bit anxious when my water broke and was double checking all of the things in it to make sure I had everything I needed.

Not only was this my first baby, but it was also my first hospital stay ever (in fact, I have never even had a broken bone, stitches, or anything else that would require me to have care at a hospital). The problem for us first-time moms is… what do you really need? This is definitely not a hotel stay or vacation, so what are the essentials to keep you comfortable (especially items that are practical for those of you who will be nursing with visitors and hospital staff coming in and out of your room constantly).

Since I did a lot of researching and asking around beforehand, I felt super prepared and ended up having everything I needed. Here’s what I packed for myself and for baby.

Clothing

Our hospital room was kept at a mandatory 74 degrees which was very warm for us! I had originally packed some pairs of leggings and I did not wear them because the temperature of our room mixed with my medications and hormones would have made me sweat like crazy. I ended up wearing a pair of shorts and nursing tank tops for both of the days we were in the hospital. I was also thankful to have loose-fitting clothing. I brought a nursing bra but I did not care to wear it since my nursing tank top covered enough.

Nursing tank tops– for a future baby, this is all I will plan to bring to wear on top. Especially for someone learning how to breastfeed, I needed something super easy to use so I could cover up quickly if we had visitors show up. I ended up going to Walmart to get two more after delivery because they were so handy!
Comfortable, loose-fitting shorts
Lightweight cardigan- this was nice if we had a visitor come in and I felt a little too exposed.
Robe- I labored in my robe and was thankful to have it, but I ended up not needing it after delivery.
Flip flops- I didn’t wear shoes at all in our hospital room (because I never even left the room!), but an easy-to-wear pair of shoes is good to have!
Some people may want to bring some pajamas, but I ended up just wearing the hospital gown because it was easiest for the middle of the night feedings and kept me cool

Yep, that’s it. Notice I did not add in any other undergarments. Mesh panties from the hospital will be your best friend!

Toiletries

The hospital is not a hotel, so the only thing provided was shampoo/body wash combo soap in the shower. I brought all of my usual toiletries and I’m thankful I did. Maybe it would be different if I only stayed one night, but I was happy to have all of my own things. My first shower after a 37-hour labor was INCREDIBLE! All postpartum care items I needed (such as pads) were provided by my hospital.

Shampoo & conditioner
Body wash
Face wash/make-up wipes
Razor
Deodorant
Toothbrush & toothpaste
Dry shampoo
Brush
Makeup (I brought powder, mascara, and lipgloss)
Blow dryer (I probably didn’t really need this, but I’m putting it here just in case. I had lost so much blood in delivery that I got very light-headed when I stood up. So, I ended up feeling sick after using my blow dryer and didn’t get my hair all the way dry anyway.)

Natural Remedies

Diffuser
Lavender essential oil- I used this one
Chapstick- you’ll need this to moisturize after all that hard breathing!
Handheld fan– I used this in labor a little (we’ll eventually use it as a stroller fan), but I mainly got use out of it when I had it clipped on my hospital bed and had it running as I slept
These aren’t really considered natural remedies, but I was thankful to have some trail mix and Gatorade to snack on during labor

Other Items

Phone and charger
Copy of my birth plan (my midwives already had mine on file because I gave it to them at one of my appointments a few weeks prior, but some hospitals may not do this)
Photo ID
Blanket- I didn’t end up needing mine because, again, our hospital room was entirely too hot but I could see this being beneficial.
Pillow- I didn’t bring mine because I didn’t think the bulk of carrying it in would have been worth it. That was dumb. I really wish I would have had my pillow… or 4 of them. The hospital pillows are not comfortable and neither was the bed. On top of having a sore bottom from delivery, I wish I had more pillows to properly prop myself up.
Bluetooth speaker and charger- We used this while I was in labor and had it playing the Labor & Delivery playlist I made
Nipple cream if you’re breastfeeding, I personally love this one from Earth Mama. The hospital gave me a sample of Lanolin and I preferred the one I brought more.

For Baby

I packed Emery’s things in our diaper bag. She didn’t need much as she was mostly just swaddled in a blanket the entire time. The hospital provided the wipes and diapers we needed.

Boppy pillow (or something similar). I forgot to bring mine and wished I’d had it every time I nursed (which was constantly)
One “going home” outfit
Swaddle, or two (the hospital provided a blanket to use but you could bring something cuter or softer)
Soap (if you prefer something besides what the hospital will use)
Car seat installed in the car

I am usually a heavy packer (and you may still think this is a lot), so I was pretty proud of myself. Other things to consider before packing are the number of days/nights you are staying in the hospital and what kind of birth you plan for. We had only planned to be at the hospital one night but had to stay two so my mom ended up bringing me another tank top and pair of shorts.

What are some other things you felt were must-haves during your hospital stay after having a baby? Feel free to share below!

Things I thought about bringing but I’m glad I didn’t: my laptop, nursing bra, nursing breast pads, my breast pump, any postpartum needs like pads or panties, our baby book, postpartum belly wrap, and lots of outfits for baby.

My Baby Registry Must Haves

Creating a baby registry was the LONGEST process for me. I was honestly changing it up until Emery’s due date, even after our baby showers were over! I remember (jokingly) telling Nick that we needed to create a business centered around baby products because moms flock to anything cute for their babies and we’d be millionaires. I also watched countless YouTube videos from vlogger moms who contradicted one another on what was a “Must Have” and what they could do without. It was so overwhelming and I think many first time moms would agree. How in the world do you know what to get?

There are also many products that your baby may or may not enjoy. These items can include, but are not limited to pacifiers, bottles if you’re using them, baby swings, swaddles, and more.

I’m a minimalist (or I like to think that I am), so I was sure to put things on our registry that were intended to make my life easier and not just take up space. I created registries on Amazon and on Target. These two places made it perfect for people who wanted to shop online and for people who wanted to get something from a store. I also went ahead and price compared my items so that our gift givers got the best deal.

I was pregnany during the holidays so we always took advantage of some of the Black Friday deals- I highly suggest doing this! We ended up having 60 items on our Amazon registry and 30 items on our Target one. I’m only three weeks into motherhood right now so I am a self-proclaimed rookie, but I am still fresh in my registry making skills so I figured I would share what has been a must-have (and why!) for us so far. All items are linked to Amazon. You’ll also find a complete Amazon list at the bottom of this post if you wish to see EVERYTHING.

We love these baby washcloths! They are incredibly soft for babies’ delicate skin and they are a nice size as well. I also like that they are white, but be sure not to wash them with bleach!
This may not be a must-have for everyone, but I desperately wanted one of these bath kneeler/elbow rests for bath time. We haven’t used this yet because Emery’s baths haven’t taken long (and have been mostly sponge baths in the sink until recently), but I know I’ll be thankful for it when I’m sitting next to her playing in the future!

I love these cute reusable baby wipe pouches. When you’re packing a diaper bag you don’t always have room to put in an entire package of wipes and it’s not as cost-effective to buy smaller packages of wipes. With these, you can take one package of wipes and disperse it between these pouches and place them where needed (we keep one in each of our cars, our diaper bag, and one in our bedroom where baby is sleeping right now).
THIS. All of this. Get it and put it on after every feeding if you plan to breastfeed. It comes in a very small container, but will last you a while! Hint: It also works great as a chapstick!
A baby lounger, like the Snuggle Me Organic (or the DockATot), was something I debated getting my entire pregnancy. So much so that I didn’t purchase it until the week Emery was due. Luckily Amazon gives you a discount on the items not yet purchased from your registry so I was able to get it a bit cheaper. After a few weeks of having her at home, it’s been something we use more than anything else so that’s why it makes my “Must Have” list. This particular lounger will be useful until she’s around 6 months old, it is super easy to clean, and she loves sleeping in it because it “hugs” her. As with all baby products, supervision is best in a sleeping item such as this.

This stroller fan served a purpose before Emery was born and I already love it (we used it at the hospital when I was in labor and then I clipped it onto my hospital bed because the room was so hot). It will come in handy to clip on to the stroller on hot summer outings like the many baseball games we attend!
The boppy pillow (or something similar) is another item I use every time I breastfeed. Which is like ALL DAY. I also have two covers for mine which have already been handy when I needed to wash one.

We love the LILLEbaby carrier so far! My top priorities in a carrier were the comfortability, easy to clean, keep me cool, and are user-friendly. I also preferred one that didn’t need a separate insert for a newborn. This one met all of the criteria I was looking for and my husband can wear it just as easily as I can!

We have enjoyed the Hatch Baby sound machine. I appreciate the ability to control it from my phone, the many options of sounds and light colors, and the fact that it can grow with the child and be used as a time-to-rise device when she’s older.

The Owlet Smart Sock has been amazing. It monitors the baby’s heart rate and oxygen levels during sleep and shows you graphs of these levels as well as times they are asleep hour by hour. If they drop below what is safe, it will sound off an alarm to wake you. It really pays for itself in the piece of mind it gives! It comes with three socks to grow with your baby. We also love looking at the graphs from our night to see how little of sleep we’ve been getting, haha!

We just pulled out the Baby Merlins Magic Sleepsuit this week even though our girl is a bit too small for it. Our girl dislikes being swaddled. I don’t blame her. It looks miserable. But, this became a problem in the third week when she wasn’t sleeping as well and her startle reflex was waking her up constantly. This suit worked like a charm to keep her arms down and it keeps her warm.

This certainly is not a full registry because we know babies need so much! We were so fortunate to have three baby showers so we haven’t needed to buy anything for Emery since she’s been here with us and I don’t see us needing anything for a little while. I created a more extensive list that includes even the smallest things that you can find by clicking HERE! This list also includes the stroller we chose (which I LOVE!)

I hope these items, as well as my full Amazon list, was helpful for you in creating or thinking about your registry (or maybe gave you some gift ideas for someone else!) Questions? Leave a comment and I’d be happy to help!

Emery’s Birth Story

Monday, April 22nd: We had my 40-week appointment with my midwife and I was 1 centimeter dilated and 50% effaced. We decided to sweep membranes to hopefully get something going.

Tuesday, April 23rd: I woke up with some cramps and they continued throughout the day.

Wednesday, April 24th: I was officially four days past my due date. Nick and I had stayed up late the night before watching TV (my last day of work was April 18th so I had been a bit lax on my bedtime… not a good idea since statistically a lot of women go into labor in the evenings!) I remember waking up to a contraction at 1:19 in the morning. The feeling of a contraction was familiar for me because in May of 2018 I had a “mini” six hour labor when my body passed our first baby after he/she passed away at 9 weeks gestation.

This contraction was very manageable and short and I was able to easily lay in bed through it. I didn’t get too excited yet because I was told that once contractions started that I needed to 1) Rest/sleep and 2) Labor at home as long as possible, but within a minute or so I felt my water break. It wasn’t a “gush” but I knew that I was not peeing the bed and it was, in fact, my water breaking! This obviously made me get out of bed and sure enough, it continued to “break” and I knew that this was the real thing. I had prayed that my water would break because, in my naivety, I thought that this meant labor would go quicker and I also wanted a sure sign that labor was starting. At that point, I knew I needed to rest but I also knew I wanted to shower before going to the hospital and I didn’t know how long I had before we’d be heading there. I decided I’d gently wake Nick and let him know but I didn’t want to alarm him. But, I guess when you tell your husband your water broke that they don’t just say “okay” and go back to sleep.

Before too long I was done showering, we ensured our hospital bags were completely packed, and we started timing contractions. By 4AM my contractions were lasting anywhere from 1 minute-1.5 minutes and were between 2-5 minutes apart, varying in intensity. I began shaking, which is normal, and felt like I was ready to go to the hospital fairly soon. At 4:30AM I lost my mucus plug and we got in the car to go to Mercy Hospital shortly after 5AM.

They admitted me into triage and at 6:05AM when the nurse checked, I was 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Since my water had indeed broken, I was able to head to the Low Intervention Birthing Suite around 7:30AM. I was so thankful to have an amazing nurse whom I knew from a life group we were in years prior. She would be leaving at 7PM that evening and I remember laughing thinking, “Oh, I’ll definitely have this baby before then!”

My first experience with frustration came when they tried to put an IV in. It took 3 nurses and 4 sticks to finally get a vein (I have terrible veins!). At this point, my contractions had not changed much (still varying in intensity and were 2-4 minutes apart).

08:40AM: Eat breakfast of oatmeal (disgusting), bacon, and fruit from the hospital cafeteria
09:00AM: 3-4cm dilated
09:26AM: Nick texted our families to notify them we were at the hospital but also asked them not to come and sit in the waiting room because it may still be a while! Boy did we underestimate that!

At 10:20AM we decided to walk down the hallways and see if that would encourage stronger contractions and move things along. Once out in the hallway, I was disappointed to come to the realization that my body was taking too long (in my mind) to adjust to new positions/atmospheres and anytime I would try and change things up, my contractions slowed down. While out in the hallway I only had a few contractions so we headed back to the suite.

11:30AM: I took an unintentional 30 minute nap with intense contractions every 8-10 minutes. This was, again, disappointing because I knew the contractions needed to be closer together for me to make more progress.

12:00PM: My birth photographer, Lindsey, had left earlier since things had slowed down. At this time she returned and brought me a sandwich from Mama Jeans. Little did I know that this would be my last meal for quite a while (I wouldn’t eat for over 24 hours later!) so I am thankful she brought it because I HATE hospital food!

01:00PM: I decided to take a shower in the suite bathroom. I loved the birthing suite because it felt like a hotel room rather than a hospital room. Sadly, this didn’t do a whole lot to help my contractions speed up, and instead, my pulse began to get very high (140+) and this worried my midwife a bit.

02:10PM: I was given IV fluids to try and drive my pulse down and they also used this time to monitor my contractions and the baby. I had found a position on the bed using the “peanut ball” that I noticed gave me consistent contractions that were intense. Although I hated it, I knew I needed to stay in that position to keep the contractions coming. Pain equaled progress and with it being over 12 hours in, I knew I needed to encourage the pain in whatever way I could.

03:50PM: My midwife checked me again and I was 4-5cm dilated, 95% effaced and baby girl was at -1 station (i.e. getting low!) This was encouraging to me because although I was exhausted (running on less than 2 hours of sleep), I was happy to hear “5 centimeters” and that she was in a good position. Thankfully, I never had any back labor!

06:14PM: I was checked again. Normally it’s not encouraged to check dilation often since my water had broken, but I was desperate for updates and I think my caretakers were too. I also hated the feeling of them checking dilation because it was painful for me and usually made me have a strong contraction. I was still 5cm dilated, 95% effaced, and baby girl was at 0 station. Two hours had passed with what felt like consistent and intense contractions and yet I had not dilated. I held on to the fact that my baby was dropping lower, and I suppose that kept me going. The mothering instinct kicks in and a determination overcomes a laboring woman! BUT, I cried. I cried hard and wanted so badly for progress and felt like I was doing something wrong. But, labor takes time. First babies take time. Every body and baby is different. So I held on. Nick would later say that he knew I felt awful and was in pain because I was willing to lay on this dirty looking exercise ball without wanting to clean it off first, haha!

06:40PM Shift change was coming up at 7PM and my amazing nurse prayed over me and Emery before leaving. It was amazing and made me cry. Really anything could have made me cry. I felt like I was failing and I couldn’t have made it through without my incredible husband, nurses, and midwives. At 7:00PM, I met the nurse that would take care of us until 7:00AM. I once again thought that this would be the nurse who would deliver our baby! She’ll definitely be here by 7AM!

09:00PM I tried showering again and it just made me frustrated and more uncomfortable. I was already shaking intermittently throughout the day due to hormones, and the shower made me cold and made it worse. I also had an annoyingly placed IV and couldn’t bend my right arm comfortably so drying off from a shower wasn’t worth the energy I had to expend. I did have some contractions but decided I liked being dry more than I did being in the water so I was not in long.

10:50PM: At this time, I was sure that I had dilated as my contractions were really painful, consistently 1-2 minutes long, and happening fairly close together (2-3 minutes). How did we remember all of this? Weeks before I went into labor I had Nick download a contraction counter app on his phone and we also started a “Labor Timeline” note on our phones so we could remember these details.

Nick was exhausted because he was working hard doing pressure points on my back and toe (he learned those in our birthing class! Shout out to Julie White with JuJu Babies!) since everything started, not to mention just the stress of the day. So, we had my birth photographer who is also a doula come back in. She helped do pressure points on my back while Nick would hold my hand during contractions.

Thursday, April 25th, 12:30AM: I was checked again and I could tell on the nurse’s face it wasn’t good news. I was still only dilated to 5 centimeters. No improvement. If I thought I felt defeated earlier, then this was one hundred times worse. We were coming up on 24 hours of laboring naturally, on two hours of sleep, and I didn’t want to “give up” but I was fading fast. I broke down in tears into Nick’s arms there in the birthing suite, an entire day of daylight spent in that dark room. For the very first time, I considered an epidural.

I have wanted to have natural labor for as long as I can remember. I wanted to prove to myself I could do something hard and oddly enough, considered out of the ordinary for most people. I wanted to be holistic in my approach to birth and what I felt God leading me to, and I had prepared for natural labor in every way I knew how. I had come to terms with the pain because I knew my reward would be worth it. I felt like getting this intervention was “giving up” (this was a personal decision of course. In no way did I minimize anyone else’s birth decisions). My other midwife was on duty at this point and came in the room and I cried in her arms too. I needed my team to let me know I wasn’t a failure and that’s exactly what they did. I wasn’t giving up and I had already proven my strength at that point. I took another 15 minutes to decide what to do. Between contractions Nick and I discussed it. I decided I wanted the epidural. Once I made that switch in my mind, I wanted it right then and there.

By 01:00AM we moved to a regular Labor and Delivery room. It took another hour and at 02:00AM, after fluids, I got an epidural. It felt a little funny and kind of hurt, but thankfully I didn’t have a contraction during it and the pain wasn’t even close to the pain of my contractions. My midwife decided to let my body try to dilate on its own before administering pitocin (which I was thankful for). Unfortunately, by 04:00AM they decided my contractions were not strong enough and I wasn’t progressing much on my own so they began Pitocin.

06:00AM: The nurse checked and I was still dilated to 5 centimeters. WHAT!? I began worrying that I was going to need a c-section. They decided to increase my Pitocin. By 07:00AM, it was shift change again and I had the same nurse I started with the day prior (my friend). If you would have told me I’d be in labor through three shift changes I would never have believed you!

08:45AM: I was finally dilated to 8cm and baby was at +1! Still not where I wanted to be, but so thankful for some progress. During these hours, Nick, my photographer, and I were able to (uncomfortably) sleep. I needed to move from side to side every 30 minutes or so, but the rest was much needed especially in preparation for pushing soon! I began getting a slight fever, but as they monitored my contractions and baby, everything else was looking good. Something that was a huge nuisance during this time was the pregnancy rash on my stomach (known as PUPPS. I developed it around week 35 of pregnancy and it is awful!). It was extremely itchy and made me so uncomfortable, especially with the bands they had attached to my stomach to monitor. It was around 11:00AM that I put on some powder, lip gloss, and got to brush my teeth (while in the bed of course). Oh, how glorious! I also drank lots of water, Gatorade, and had a lemon icee and cranberry juice from the hospital cafeteria. I hadn’t eaten in a while so this was a treat.

By 12:05PM I was finally fully dilated to a 10! Praise God! Things moved very quickly from here and I started pushing at 12:07. I was incredibly excited to meet my daughter but I also had a lot of anxiousness coming upon me with what pushing would be like. This was finally the real deal. My nurse got a standing mirror and I was able to watch the progress and it helped keep me focused and motivated. I was still able to feel most contractions but it was mostly a lot of pressure rather than the pain I felt before the epidural. I remember asking often if I was having a contraction and if it was okay for me to push.

02:27PM: On hour 37 and after over 2 hours of pushing, Emery Britt Bacon was born! They laid her on my chest and I started crying. It was a surreal moment and the most beautiful moment of my life thus far. Words don’t really do it justice. However, it was a moment that was quickly disrupted as I began hemorrhaging and they had difficulty finding where the bleeding was coming from. I ended up losing 800mL of blood and also had some blood clots. My midwife, the nurses, and the doctor that came in did a fabulous job of disguising the seriousness of what was happening and I’m thankful for their quick response. I, of course, was preoccupied just looking at my baby the entire time and was so thankful she was healthy. Nick, however, said that the whole situation was a bit scary. My midwife would eventually tell me that this happened due to a very long labor and my water being broke for a long time, a big baby (8 pounds, 15 ounces!), and a lot of Pitocin. We spent the next hour just being together, having skin to skin, and then eventually breastfeeding at 03:36PM.

05:30PM: We got moved to the postpartum room that we would stay in until Saturday the 27th. We were blessed to be visited by many family and friends and we had great nurses who took care of Emery and I. I felt very weak during this time and this was obviously due to such long labor plus losing so much blood.

Nick’s family offered to bring us dinner and he asked what I wanted. Jokingly, I said steak. Within an hour, I was eating filet mignon out of a plastic container and with a plastic fork from Texas Roadhouse. What a reward after a long day!