Our Miscarriage, Part One

It was March 13, 2018, when I had a positive pregnancy test. More than one, actually. I was on Spring Break and got my hair done that morning. I had gone to a new hair stylist and of course meeting someone new means that they will inevitably ask you questions regarding if you have children to which I have learned to respond, “No, but hoping to soon!” These kinds of questions would later haunt me.

I hadn’t felt any different and figured I wasn’t pregnant since I didn’t know the first thing about what it would or would not feel like. When Nick and I looked at the test together I was just kind of in shock. Truly, a life dream I thought seemed so unreachable was happening. I had longed for a baby for so long and desired that Nick would want a baby too, and here we were! The next day we went to Target and created a baby registry and I came home and made another one on Amazon. This is something most people would do much later in pregnancy and here I was doing it at 6 weeks. I began researching everything I needed to know about natural birth and we chose to establish care at a birth center near where we live. Within a few days, we set up a time to tour the facility. They checked my progesterone and it was somewhat low, so I got on a cream and then an oral supplement a little later. I was nervous that low progesterone would be the demise of my pregnancy, but everything turned around and was looking good! I was craving a lot of spicy chicken and pickles.

We told my family the week before Easter at my parent’s house after an Easter egg hunt.  We shared it with Nick’s family at breakfast in Columbia. Honestly, this entire time of pregnancy was so incredibly joy-filled. We had gathered some things from my sister for the baby, and my mom got us a glider rocking chair for the nursery. We took pictures with a great photographer friend that we’d later use as our announcement to everyone. Each week we’d chat about the developments of Bacon Bit, and I was enthralled with what was happening in my body. It was all so exciting and surreal. I was so proud of this baby and so excited to be on this journey with Nick. April 25th would be the day we would get to hear the heartbeat, and I would be 11.5 weeks along. The birth center did not do ultrasounds until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks, so we were so excited to at least hear the heartbeat!

The appointment started with me getting blood drawn for a thyroid panel, and then Nick and I went into the room to meet with the midwife. We talked a bit and then the exciting part was going to happen — getting out the doppler to hear our baby’s heartbeat. Being new to this process, I was not sure what to expect. I would think I heard a heartbeat but it was apparently just my stomach making noises. Then there was nothing. She couldn’t find a heartbeat after quite some time and I remember laying there feeling like my baby was still fine, and I told myself not to worry. Nick was recording this on his phone and I watched as he slowly and discreetly put his phone away. Regina (the midwife) said we could get an ultrasound to double check on our baby, or we could wait until our next appointment that would be weeks away and we could try to listen again. We chose to get an ultrasound that day despite the $200 price tag.

The room with the ultrasound was a nice room, unlike a hospital. That made it better I suppose. I laid down on the bed and watched the screen intently. I could see my baby! It was as if seeing my baby meant there would still be life. The technician wasn’t able to find a heartbeat during the ultrasound so he did a transvaginal one. It was at this point I was scared and confused. The room was a sickening kind of quiet. I remember the midwife looking at me and saying something like, “Are you seeing what’s happening here? It looks like your baby passed about a week ago.”

I threw a cloth over my face and began to weep. It was a silent cry. As if the pain overtaking my body would not let a sound come out yet. I never want to relive the feeling I had in that moment. When we decided we’d stop preventing pregnancy I had told Nick that we should start to try soon because sometimes you don’t get pregnant the first time, and sometimes there are miscarriages, etc. Therefore, we needed to start soon if we wanted a baby in the next year or so! Never in a million years did I believe that I would actually have a miscarriage. That was really just part of my plea to talk him in to start trying. So many questions went through my mind. Am I too old, not healthy, did I do something wrong? What does this mean for future pregnancies? The room cleared out and Nick hugged me as I cried. The moments in that room are sickening to think about, but the days after were just as bad. I gathered myself and we went to the room nearby to talk to Regina about what to expect next. I’m actually surprised that I was able to keep it together in that room. Up until this point, I honestly didn’t know what a miscarriage entailed, so I learned about what it would be like to pass the baby. I hadn’t felt any different, and I was disappointed that my baby was gone for a week (or more) and I had no idea. What was I doing when the heart stopped? Was it a boy or a girl? What do we tell people? We snuck out the back door and headed home in tears.

We ate roast that rainy night, and I texted everyone who knew I was pregnant to let them know I would lose the baby. I took off work the next two days, and Nick took off as well. It was a sweet time that we had together to mourn, talk, and try to get things back to normal. To rewrite our story that would not involve a baby in November. The baby items we had already gathered were put away, and all of the apps I had downloaded to track baby’s progress were deleted. I unsubscribed from emails of baby news and eventually threw away the positive pregnancy tests. It was heart-wrenching to put things back to the way they were when my life revolved around the excitement of a baby for (what seemed like) so long.

Usually, when there is a death there is a celebration of life, memories to cherish, and a reason to be so upset. Here I was, absolutely broken to my core and I had only had this baby growing for a few weeks. It was and still is, a pain that’s hard to describe. I had felt robbed of joy. I felt robbed of the excitement for pregnancy and instead, pray I don’t feel utter worry and fear with a future pregnancy. Will I want to check the baby’s developments each week, or will I just worry that the heart will stop? Will I be able to be excited or will I try and ignore it in fear of being hurt again? So many terrible thoughts went through my head. I was so disappointed in myself because I didn’t know who I was at times. I was angry. I was so jealous of friends who had babies. I was sad. A lot.

I cried a lot that first weekend and shared it with everyone on Facebook on Sunday. I got so much response of love and support, and private messages of friends who had also gone through miscarriages and giving me hope for our future child. I remember thinking about the love and excitement we will have for a future baby, but I wanted THIS BABY. The one still inside of me. The one I had loved from the day I knew he or she was growing. The one I would pray for each night and have dreams about. The one who I had picked a crib for, imagined rocking to sleep and taking to Christmas gatherings. The one that would be my early birthday present. It was hard to have hope for the future when it had just been shattered. The thought of trying to move on and work through all of the sadness and loss was overwhelming. Getting through the next day seemed hard enough, let alone the next month.

It’s now May 6th. A week and a half since our appointment, and most likely around 3 weeks since our baby’s heart stopped. I am still waiting for he/she to pass, and I am anxious and worried about that pain — both emotionally and physically. I have decided not to get the procedure to have the baby removed, and instead pass naturally. I am trying to control what I can, but then sometimes the tears or pain start without much warning.

I cried at the dentist the other day (an appointment I should have rescheduled) because it was the first time I was by myself and had a moment with my own thoughts. It was torture having my mouth open and teeth cleaned while also crying. I couldn’t breathe. The hygienist probably thought I was a nut case until I told her what happened. She thought she had hurt me. How do you try and explain to someone (especially a stranger) that you just had a miscarriage? But yet, you haven’t miscarried? That the baby is still inside your womb and you’re just waiting for it to pass?

Here are some things I’ve learned in these (almost) two weeks.

• I have learned what is appropriate to say and do when someone is grieving, and what is not appropriate. I’ve had some people tell me some really weird things (“Next time you’re pregnant you should probably take off work to not be stressed for your baby.”, “1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages, so you were just that 1.”, “You’ll be even more fertile after you miscarry!”) Our neighbors left us a care package and I was blown away. My sister unexpectedly brought me lunch to school and we just sat and talked. It’s amazing how much a simple gesture, with a little intentionality, can turn your whole day around. It makes me feel like I have others who are in this with me, and that I’m not alone.
• I’ve learned my husband is amazing, and so supportive when I’m a wreck. I suppose this has brought us closer together, and I am thankful for that closeness and the transparency I’ve been able to have- that sometimes I am just weak.
• I’ve also learned about my weakness, and that it’s okay to not be okay. I’ve given myself time to have a pity party, and time to just mourn, especially when I’m alone.
• I’ve also prayed a lot and felt God’s sweet presence. He has gathered every tear, and trust me — there have been a lot. I am thankful that I feel His closeness, and I do have hope for the future. I pray I see my angel baby in heaven one day, and I pray for the life of our future baby/babies.

Below are the verses I’ve held on to during this time:

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4.18

“I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?” Psalm 56.4

“O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. listen to my cry for help, my King & my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you & wait expectantly.” Psalm 5.1–3

“Praise be to the God & Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we receive from God…” 2 Corinthians 1.3–4

“None shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.” Exodus 23.26

“God blesses those who patiently ensure testing and temptation. Afterward, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised those who love him.” James 1.12